Friday, April 03, 2009

"It’s a question mark. You’re never going to have this luxury again, of not knowing. And it is a luxury not to know." --Dustin Hoffman

It's that time of year! The panic mode time of year! The finals week, final projects, cumulative exams, say good-bye to friends, don't do White Glove, pack up and maybe move time of year.

To be honest, most of those things aren't stressing me out too much. I'm feeling pretty good about my classes. I don't know if I'll quite make the 3.5 I'd been hoping for...I'll be getting a C in math but that's okay because I'll pass it and I'll get good grades in everything else. So at least a 3.0, which is cool.

Here's what IS stressing me out. Classes end on April 9th. And do I know where I will be or what I will do this summer? NOPE. I'm kind of waiting to hear back from various employers, which I don't want to close the door on just because I need to figure out housing. Even though I really do need to figure out housing. I guess it's extra-scary because I don't really have a "bed" to come home to if I need to. Not that I blame anyone for's just circumstancial. Dad and Mary live in Honduras, which costs a minimum of $800 to fly to, Mom and Ray have a little apartment with only a couch, and even at my grandparents' it would be a temporary mattress on the office floor. So there's not really even a back-up plan. Although I tell you what, if I had a car, I'd have it made. Pack a sleeping bag and a guitar and some clothes and I'd be fine until something more permanent worked out.

I also better find some kind of job soon, because I'm at my last few dollars before I'm flat broke. I can use the money I get from selling my books back to live off of for about a month if absolutely necessary, provided I don't have to pay rent and eat really badly. So whether I'm the technician Playmill, an EFY counselor, a baker at Broulims, or a bookseller at Barnes & Noble in Fremont, I kind of need it to happen soon. (P.S. I took a leap of faith, maybe for the wrong reason, financially. I've been living off of student loans this semester, which I already paid tithing on. This month, I paid tithing on the remaining meager amount, because I NEED the financial blessings, and I know that the ONLY way that I will make it, the ONLY way that mathematically I will have enough money to meet all my expenses, is by paying tithing. So I paid it. Not the highest most noble reason to pay tithing--I should be paying it because I want to give it to the Lord, but it's been a testimony-strengthening experience nonetheless!)

It's not that I'm unwilling to do any of the things that I have the options of doing. I want most to be the technician at Playmill, but there are pro's and con's to every option before me. If I'm there, I KNOW that there will be nights when I will cry in the bathroom because I'm not onstage. But if I'm not there, there will be nights that I will cry in my own bedroom because I'm not up at Playmill. If I'm in California, I'd get to be with my sister and dear friends and family. But I'll miss everyone here, and all the opportunities (workshopping Omar's musical) that I'd have up here. But maybe the Lord needs me to be an EFY counselor. Or maybe I need to be in California. Or maybe I need to be here. I don't know. That's the hard part. Not knowing. I'll do what the Lord wants me to do, I just feel sort of stuck as to what that is. And I've kind of been asking and trying to follow through and take leaps of faith, but now the ball is in other courts. In EFY hiring's court, and Roger and Heidi's court. Most notably, in that big white eternal court in heaven.

So I'm scared but willing. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn from this experience. Maybe that sometimes you need to just make a decision take the ball back into your own court. Or maybe it's to test and strengthen my testimony that the Lord will guide you if you let Him.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a very short journal entry. It read "I have no idea what's going on. That is the theme of 2009 so far."

That still holds true. Maybe that will last forever. Maybe you can only ever know what went on in retrospect.

But in the mean time, I'm grateful for wonderful and supportive friends, who are willing to share eggs and oatmeal and to let me talk out my decisions to them and even crash at their places in Utah if I need to. I'm grateful for a loving God and for the bounteous blessings I do have. I have so much more than so many others do. I'm grateful for the sunshine that He's blessed Rexburg with, even though it's still punctuated by periods of snow. =) I'm grateful for the awesome examples around me, for incredible people who find joy in the journey now.

And, like someone totally AWESOME and in tune with the Spirit (like all the time) reminded me today: "The Lord often comes in the fourth watch. But He always comes."


Ben P. said...

I isn't too late for Disney...

(Seriously, you know you want to)

isha said...

I feel your pain :( ... I never pay tithing on loan money 'cause I figure all I'm doing is borrowing money from myself in the future... and the money I payback the loan with is what I pay tithing out of. For me it makes sense 'cause I don't have to remember what I've already paid tithing on... but everybody's different.