I've got to take a moment to un-burden here. I seem to have mis-placed my rose-colored glasses, only temporarily.
I received the news, late last night via internet, that I have several thousand dollars available to me for this coming winter semester of school. A generous several thousand. Like, several thousand to cover ALL expenses for school and then several thousand left over.
God bless America. I humbly thank all the tax-payers whose money pays for my education.
Naturally, I'm ECSTATIC. It means that my financial goals will definitely be met (especially with my working two jobs here in California for a few more months), and that I will definitely be returning to BYU-Idaho in January to continue my degree. It means having roomates and theatre and roomates and classes and roomates and Comic Frenzy and roomates again! In only 12 weeks or so!
But herein lies the paradox. Does this news motivate me, give me a light at the end of the tunnel, help me to get through the hardship of this fall semester away? Not really. On the contrary, it seems to simply be making me more aware of how much I DON'T have RIGHT NOW.
The thing is, I was ALREADY looking forward to all the things that came with my return to BYU-Idaho. This little financial aid award just cleared away any remaining obstructions...took care of all the little "how" details of my plan to return. It solidified my return without a doubt. I'm really happy about that. But if I've got all that money waiting for me up there, and its more than enough, what is there to keep me here in California, sleeping on a mattress in my grandparents' back office floor? For another 2 and a half months?
Things I would miss about being here in California:
• warm weather
• the Lindsay family
• I can keep my second ear piercing in while here
• job at Barnes & Noble
• small singles ward
And my own family, too, of course. But at this stage of my life, and for me personally, it is extremely difficult to LIVE WITH family. If we were in the same area, could visit occasionally, etc., I would be thrilled. But living with them is a little difficult. I've been on my own for nigh unto five or six years, and to suddenly return to...well, to RULES of living under someone else's roof, that's a challenge. I'm a free spirit. I'm glad to sweep the patio, as long as you don't wake me up, open the window, leave my door open, and ask me favors early in the morning on days when I don't have to be anywhere in particular.
My friend Carrie and I have a theory. We have come to believe that it is against nature for two grown women in different life stages to attempt to live together.
At age 23, I'm much happier living with a handful of other people close to my own age. The rules are just so different. It's not that I'm against RULES themselves; on the contrary, I think they're a necessary element for a happy home. But at age 23, and sharing a place with people my same age, there's not one person IN CHARGE. There's no hierarchy of law...there's no one or two people who decide how everything is done. Running the home is a far more communal process. Everyone discusses and comes up with systems, solutions, agreements, etc. If anyone does adapt the role of "mother," it's never one woman putting herself in charge of everyone else's schedules, rules, bed-times, and chores. (And if it was, she would probably be miserable because her roomates would probably hate her.) A roomate "mother" is perhaps the one who sits everyone down to discuss dishes rotation, or who calls apartment prayer, etc.
I suppose this is probably an idealized roomate situation. I've had my share of not-so-idyllic apartments, but you're not considered rebellious or disrespectful if you just do your own thing.
I miss just doing my own thing. But my family has been very generous in allowing me to stay with them, and I owe them the respect and politeness they deserve for their generosity, and for being my family.
That's where the canker g-naws.
I'm really really really looking forward to moving in with friends again.
1 comment:
I TOTALLY feel the same way, though I would just be happy living on my own for a while. I will be VERY ready to go back to school eventually, however.
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