Thursday, May 12, 2005

I'm a human being AND a girl! That's a bad combination!

Hizzah for 2 blogs in one day! This one is actually post-dated. I wrote it about a week ago but didn't have access to the internet until now. So, here it is, with a few minor addendums as they come to me!

Well, dearest family, friends, loved ones, and visitors, my homeless days are over and we're settling in to our cozy new apartment! As I've been absent from this blog for a while, allow me to open this entry with a "turbo-update." All the important details about the life of Liz in one brief paragraph:
I'm living in Rexburg this summer, employed by what my mother affectionately refers to as "The Chief Minion of Satan," a.k.a. Walmart. I've discovered that I have a great love of philosophy. I don't have a significant other. My career onstage is carrying on, although it will have to be put on hold during the summer due to work schedule unless they start paying me. I don't have a car, but do have the happy privelege of access to one (thanks, Jagger). My weight and hair color have remained consistent.
Now that I've done that, I move on to tell my adventures from the week I spent "in limbo." There's actually not much to tell--it was a pretty mellow week. I watched 9 romantic comedies over the course of 5 days. Of course, that probably had a lot to do with the fact that I was running about a 9.7 on the S.F. scale. I also started my summer reading fest...check it out:
"Lord of the Flies" by William Golding (great and creepy)
"The Mother Murders" by Dale E. Gilbert (fun classy detective story)
"Briar Rose" by Jane Yolen (phenomenal!)
"Ishmael" by Daniel Quinn (also great...intriguing)
"Good Poems" compiled by Garrison Keillor (great collection)
and I'm currently re-reading "The Twinkie Squad" by Gordon Korman, which is fabulous.
See, while I'm in school, I have to read textbooks and assigned novels all the time, and I know that if I start reading a novel of my own choice, I'll neglect my homework. So I force myself to stay away from the library and my own book collection and can usually manage to limit myself to about 5 novels a school year. So as soon as the semester's over and summer is in the air, the public library becomes a temple of reading! (Is that sacreligious?) One highlight of my week was going to the Madison County Library and getting my library card. There were a few adventures involved in that morning...
The day was lovely, so I rode my scooter 15 minutes downtown. In fact, the day was so lovely that I was paying more attention to it than the enormous chunk of sidewalk that was sticking out and which caused me to take a total face-plant. I kind of wish there was some way to see how I fell; it was pretty classic. Front wheel cuaght, vehicle and passenger flip forward and then passenger rolls approximately 20 feet. Beautiful, although I did get a pretty gnarly scraped-up knee. The really mysterious thing is that something about the impact caused my water bottle to COMPLETELY DISAPPEAR. I don't know how, I haven't taken physics yet, but all I know is that I had my water bottle before the fall, and I didn't have it afterwards, and it was nowhere to be found within a 30-foot radius of the fall site. Maybe a team of diabolical villians de-hydrated it and then re-hydrated it with soft laboratory water, leaving it in a hightly unstable state, meaning the slightest impact causes it to vanish. That must be it.
Well, once I was safely in the library, I found that in order to get a library card, I had to have proof of a Rexburg address. This presented a minor problem in that I had neither a current Rexburg address nor a future one. The girl said I could use something with an old address and come back later to change it. Not being exactly prepared even for this, all I could produce was a little slip of printed paper from my purse. It read "This hereby certifies that Elisabeth Whittaker, address-blah-blah-blah, is an ordained member of the clergy of the Church of Spiritual Humanism with all powers and priveleges granted therein..." And it actually worked! Some of you may at this point be shaking your heads at my use of a fraudulent document to obtain a library card. I will have you know that it is NOT a fraudulent document; I really AM an ordained clergyman of the church of Spiritual Humanism. I was ordained online, just for kicks. One of those fairly pointless, whacky things I decided I just had to do before I die, and if I waited until I was almost dead to do all those things, I wouldn't be able to do them all. So I did it when I was 19. I figured it wouldn't do any harm; it's not the true church anyway. (Lightning bolt cue...NOW.)
I would like to conclude this blog entry with the documentation of a strange phenomenon I have recently observed in myself. Every few days or so, it's one of my responsibilities at Walmart to stock the paper goods aisle. You know, napkins, paper plates, toilet paper, etc. Well, lately, I seem to be having these awesome revelations about my life that only come to me while I'm stocking that aisle. They'll just come out of the blue. I'll be refilling the paper towel section when all of a sudden I'll think to myself "Hey, maybe I could be a motivational speaker." Or I'll be straightening the Kleenex boxes and the thought will come to me "I wonder if I could publish my writing for supplemental revenue throughout my life?" Or "Maybe in a few years I'll get an agent down in Salt Lake and audition for Church movies and get into them, like 'The Work and the Glory' or 'The Best Two Years.'" ("I like pie." "You sa Gad?") I wonder what it is about that aisle...maybe it's because I'm so surrounded by white. Lots of toilet paper and napkins. Anyway.
I close in the words of the immortal Jim Carey as he spoke them in "A Series of Unfortunate Events"...
"I'm sorry, I don't speak monkey. Banana?"
I love you all!


Anonymous said...

Two questions: what do you mean by "the immortal Jim Carey", what do you mean by Lord of the Flies as being great, and what do you get when you take the Jen out of Jennifer? (psst, I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with 'fifer'.) Miss a polaroid picture! Shake it, sh-sh-sh-shake it!

Beckah said...

Ten guesses as to who THAT is....and I love ya lots, Liz. Can't wait to talk to you again...someday...