Thursday, February 05, 2015

Inner Monologue/Mental Loop

While waiting for a cast list to be posted:

"Maybe I dreamed it. The audition. Maybe it never happened at all. I just had some sort of bizarrely elaborate dream that I went to a call-back."

"I didn't get cast. I just have to accept that. When I'm checking the website to see if the cast list is posted, it's just out of curiosity to see who actually did get cast. Because it wasn't me."

"I did pretty well in that call-back. I felt really connected to my fellow actors. I could have gone bigger, though. Could have projected, made bigger choices. Maybe I actually sucked? Hm."

"What do they want?! I can be flirtier! I can be funnier! What do you want--should I dye my hair? Wear more lipstick? Wear less lipstick? Whatever it is, I can do it!"

"Okay, but maybe I actually want to just be myself. I don't want to just be some weirdo who is so desperate for a part that she's willing to do or be or say anything. I just want to give myself. Offer that. Be centered and steady and confident and if I don't get cast, it's just because the director had something different in mind."

"But the director doesn't know me! What if I CAN do what she wants but she just doesn't know it because I sucked in the call back!?"

"Then again, if I sucked in the call back, that's my own fault."

"If I sucked, I am a horrible human."

"No no no, I know I'm not a horrible human. Just a horrible actress."

"Well, if I'm realistic, I know I'm not a horrible actress. I'm no Meryl Streep, but I know what I'm doing."

"Maybe I'll refresh the cast list website again."

(And also all of this.)

photo via


Rebecca W said...

I feel ya.

lani call said...

I couldn't have said it any better. Thanks for posting Liz!