Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The Baker's Dozen


When I accepted the job as a packager at the Rexburg Broulims bakery, I never would have suspected that my co-workers would be such colorful characters. There are days at work when all I can think of is what a great movie my job would make. Curtis, now that you are a film major, I expect you to draw inspiration from this blog in future projects some day.

For the sake of privacy and protection, I won't specify any names, but please know that none of these details have been exaggerated. Meet the cast of the Broulim's Bakery movie:

The Boss/Head Baker -- He looks like either an alcoholic or like he's been sunburned for most of his life, or maybe both. He works hard, jokes a lot, and has a paternal affection for the rest of the employees. He loves classic rock and plays the guitar.

The Assistant Boss -- Says the s-word a lot. Has hardly any teeth left from smoking so much, but she's really self-conscious about it. She decorates cakes.

The other Cake-decorator -- She's absolutely terrifying for the first several hours of the day. If she's not a morning person, I'd like to know why she works in the bakery. But once you get past Scary Morning Monster Woman, she's pretty cool. She says "crap" as often as the other cake decorator says the s-word. Which is funny, because this cake decorator isn't a member of the Church either, and swears a lot anyway, but apparently never the s-word.

The Assistant Baker -- A really sweet girl, currently on parole for something I haven't yet had the courage to ask about. She's in her first trimester of pregnancy with her second child, and leaves the bakery about every two hours to throw up.

The Other Baker -- Kind of pretty, also new, and somewhat boring. Hard worker, and good to work with. Although kind of a perfectionist, which you simply don't have time to be in the bakery.

The Head Packager -- My supervisor. Nice girl, but kind of scary. She looks like a pig (no offense, but its accurate), and she's actually 15 years older than what she looks like, which is really weird. Her husband's name is MERLIN.

Night Shift Guy -- A Drag Queen. No seriously. Queer as a three-dollar bill, and walks/talks more effeminately than I do. On weekends and vacations he travels to Boise and Pocatello to be in drag shows. Has an insatiable thirst for drama and conflict, and tacky tacky tacky drag clothes. Great dancer and performer, though. So he tells me.

Other employee -- Also on parole for something I also haven't had the courage to ask about. She's a lesbian from Pocatello, who's one of the most die-hard Trekkies I've met in a long time. She's kind of butch, and she's got a cyborg claw tattooed onto one shoulder-blade, and a Cardasian symbol tattooed onto the other.

The Samples Lady -- She's adorable, and about a hundred and twelve years old. She hands out bits of food and advice, even if the wisdom she shares doesn't necessarily make sense. Her lipstick is always perfect, although her hair is crazy and dyed maroon except for a little patch at the very back of her head, which is always gray. She had a minor stroke a few years ago, and apparently has never quite been the same since, but I wouldn't have her any other way. She's a doll who loves to chat with customers, and then she comes back into the bakery and swears like a SAILOR, and gives all of her old jewelry and clothes to the Drag Queen.

Then there's me.

I enjoy my job. There's a fun feeling of camaraderie among everyone, and either no one realizes what a quirky crew we are, or they ignore it and get along anyway.

Except I don't like my stupid hat. I do get to wear a chef's jacket, though. That's fun.

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