Tuesday, April 29, 2014

I'm doing quotation marks with my hands. You just can't tell from there.

My current volume of the quote book is almost full! I've had this one since September of 2008, back when I was selling Kirby vacuums in the SF Bay Area. Here are a few gems from recent months. 


"I hate moths! They're Satan's puppies!" -- Anna

"Just had dinner with Scott. Convinced him that I have a daughter. Again." -- Tanner

"John Green is on my list of dinner guests. Which is actually just a dinner party of men named 'John.' But 'Dinner of Johns' doesn't sound right." -- Carrie

Sean: Have you worn that bow tie yet?
Jacob: No.
Sean: You're a bastard, Jacob.

Cam: Did you know Mom put oregano on her eggs?
Jacob: No.
Cam: She didn't. That's why.

"No, that doesn't scare me. I'm not scared of anything except heights and sharks." -- Anonymous (overheard)

Liz: That word has way to many vowels. Queue.
Kieffer: They could take all those out. And it would still make sense. Q.

"I want you to live in my basement in a non-Law and Order: SVU way." -- Carrie

"Jacob has the mentality of an old fat kid." -- Jerry

"I've been watching Netflix all day. But I did write one Christmas card. That's okay, right?" -- Beckah

"There are only a few things I pride myself on. I'm a damn fine canoer. I have fabulous hair. And I'm an effing good designer." -- Kieffer

Tyler: Why are we following Sean? I don't want to follow Sean. Everyone follow me!
Jacob: I don't want to follow you. I'm going to follow myself.
Tyler: And that's the history of the world.

Kieffer: The internet is usually like "Calamity! Bad government!"
Jacob: Cats!

"Is it the Pope? Or is it Camilla?" -- Cam

"I'm not the kind of friend that would help you hide a body. I'm the kind of friend who'll hold your hand 'till the police get there and bring you cookies in prison." -- Curtis

"How is it that one day I can accomplish anything and the next (with the same children, apartment, and dishwasher), it's all I can do to keep everybody alive and fed? It's a mystery to me. I mean, the baby's not even wearing clothes anymore." -- Kathleen

"It's nice to know that movies have been made that are worse than some of the improv scenes I've been in." -- Jacob

"Bronyland? I would totally go to Bronyland! That sounds weird!" -- Nick

"I hate losing track of a spider. A spider in an unknown location can be ANYWHERE. It's like a quantum goddamn spider, and that's bad news, man. I'm telling you." -- Toby

"After two and a half seasons of 'Lost,' so far the moment that has hit me the most is when Sawyer throws away the broken Oreo. IT'S AN OREO. YOU'RE ON A F***ING CRAZY ISLAND. WHO KNOWS WHEN YOU'LL EVER EAT AN OREO AGAIN!" -- Beckah

"Yeah, I googled 'Emo moustache' and all that came up was girls." -- Nick

"I had a dream I fell in love with C3PO. Our love was hard to make sense of. He was very flattering." -- Cam

"There's no reason to tailgate someone in the slow lane, especially when I'm already going 30 mph over the speed limit. And those flashing lights on top of your car just look ridiculous." -- Steve E

"Today, I found a text Georgia sent on her own that said 'Hi.' Just now, we found her watching TED Talks. If it wasn't for the constant licking of public counters, I would think she's a genius." -- Carrie

"You cannot compare 'Sail Cat' to an open letter to your uterus." -- Nick

Aaaaand the crowning jewel of this batch of quotes: 

Liz: What's that one thing called where you make people?
Jacob: Sex?
Liz: No, on the iPad, I mean.
Jacob: Oh. DJ Face.


3 comments:

Carrie Lynn said...

That last one.

And this one: "I'm not the kind of friend that would help you hide a body. I'm the kind of friend who'll hold your hand 'till the police get there and bring you cookies in prison." -- Curtis

This is so true to life I can't even handle it. I loved this batch of quotes! I love you!

Deer ONTIE said...

These are marvelous. And I totally agree with Jacob about the movies that are worse than his improved scenes. I threw one away today because I figured nobody else would want to see the first ten minutes I watched either.

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