Tuesday, October 06, 2009

A recent discovery...


The last few nights, I've been reading through the contributions to a website called mylifeisaverage.com. They're brilliant. Here are some of my favorites:

Today, I was in the Supermarket. I was pushing my basket around and came across a completely empty isle, so I decided to jump on the back and ride my basket to the other end. Just before I jumped off an old man appeared round the corner, looked at me, winked and without missing a beat jumped on his basket and did the same thing. I hope I'm that cool when I get old.

Today, I woke up without sheets on my bed. My roommate said that in the middle of the night I had woken him up, handed my balled up sheets to him, and told him, "It's the potion of the elves, you know what to do with it." I desperately wish I could remember my dream.

Today, I really didn't want to go to school so I pretended to be sick. I came downstairs to find my mom and my brother home. They were pretending to be sick too. So far we have set up a tent and have been playing rock band for 3 hours.

Today, I just remembered that I had doodled a stickman ninja on the final draft of my essay. When I got it back, I found my teacher had scribbled a pirate stabbing the ninja in the back. I just turned in my next essay. I want to see how she'll beat my robot.

Today, my roommate and I decided to bunk our beds. On the underside of the bed that went on top was duct taped one dollar, a Disney Princess coloring book, a packet of crayons, and a note reading 'So you decided to bunk your beds? Nice choice. Have fun.' I've never been more excited.

Today, I was babysitting some kids and we decided to play hide and seek. I was "it" and when I was looking for them, I found one kid in a room hidden under a blanket with a note that says "this is an invisibility cloak". I pretended I didn't see him.

This morning while brushing my teeth, my electric toothbrush died. I proceeded, while making the noise myself. I don't know if I'm going to replace the batteries.

Today, I was looking up useful phrase in Romanian for a speech about my heritage. It had your basic "Hello" and "My name is..." but the last phrase on the page was how to say "My hovercraft is full of eels." Glad to know that this is considered a useful phrase.

Today, I placed a realistic but fake mouse in our bathroom to scare my roommate. She's not home yet and I've already screamed three times.

Today I was on a double-decker bus in Washington D.C. They were playing a tour guide recording. While leaving one of the memorials the recording said, "Please refrain from drinking alcoholic beverages, smoking, or practicing experimental surgery on the passenger beside you." I am now wondering how many people have tried this.

Today I entered the grocery store, only stepping on the grey tiles. I turned down the cereal aisle and a small child told his mother, "Look mom, He doesn't step on the hot lava either." I high-fived the kid as I walked by. Sadly, I accidentally stepped in the lava. Not wanting to upset the child, I pretended to melt.

Today, I was reading some old papers from when I was little. A question asked "If a genie gave you three wishes, what would they be? You cannot wish for more wishes." My third wish was for another genie. Way to beat the system, past self.

Today, I took a test. My school forces us to write the "Wildcat Pledge" on everything which states, "I have neither given nor recieved unauthorized help on this assignment." I was so fed up with writing it, I wrote, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." When I got my test back it had an A+ and scribbled underneath it said, "Mischief Managed."

Today, I decided to make a scrapbook online, and started using Shutterfly. My book wasn't working right, so I decided to call the help line. One of the options was to hear the instructions in Pirate. I choose that option.

Today, I was driving home from school and passed a construction zone. When I looked over at it, I saw two construction workers link arms and skip merrily across the street. It made my day.

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. I tried flirting with the officer to get him to lower my ticket. If I was a girl, I think this would have worked much better.

Today I was on a long train ride. To kill some time I decided to chat to the guy next to me. I said, "How now hath thy day been?" He turned around, held my hands and answered, "My Lady, 'tis been nothing but canker-blossomed train rides." That was the best response I've ever gotten for that question.

Today, I realized the word bed actually looks like a bed.

A fortnight ago I finally solved my rubiks cube. I waited two weeks to post this so that I could use the word fortnight.

Today I won a million dollars, but I closed out of the pop-up anyway.

Today I realized that for every story on this website about yelling out a Harry Potter spell and having a complete stranger respond, there's probably a ton where no one responded and it became extremely awkward. I learned that in the elevator today.

Today I was driving by the lake and I saw a Jeep full of guys pass me. They were hanging out the windows and the sunroof, paddling with canoe paddles, and singing "Just Around the Riverbend" from Pocahontas. It easily may have been the coolest thing I've seen, ever.

Today, I was thinking about the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'. Then I considered that 'revenge is sweet'. I've come to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

Today, my boyfriend asked me what I was thinking. I told him I was considering healthcare plans. In reality, I was wondering what it would be like to be an octopus. It would be awesome.

Today I found my Batman costume from second grade. Without thinking I put on the mask and cape. Then my mom yelled up the stairs for me to get the mail. Forgetting I still had the costume on I went outside for the mail. While outside, I saw my hot neighbor looking out the window at me. Just as I about to walk into my house he came running out with his Robin mask on. I'm in love.

Today, I saw a man carrying a burlap sack over his shoulder with his young son's head sticking out. I was unsure how I felt about it. Then the kid noticed me staring and chirped happily "I'm a potato!"

Today, I got oral surgery. When I got home, I was still woozy from the anesthetic. Somehow, I don't remember writing it, but I wrote a 13-page essay about what life was like as a cabbage. I'm submitting it to an editor.

Today, my boyfriend came dancing into the kitchen singing my name over and over, just as I was preparing to leave for work. He saw me, blushed and said "Oh, you're still here". Made my day.

Today, I realized that I am unemployed, live with my mother, play video games all day in my basement, and I am still a virgin. It's all right, I finish 9th grade next week.

2 comments:

K. J. Ellis said...

Dearest Lizzanne. Stop.

I'm home, sitting with a wilesome feline in my lap, and a sore vile hex on my throat, making it uncomfortable to swallow. Stop.

This entry didst make me grin like a thousand cherubs, eating German Chocolate cake, and whirling like Dervishes. Stop.

I am jubilant, and it's all your fault. Stop.

Your beau is HAND-SOME. Stop.

Shoot! Stop.

I miss you. StopStop.

-Bartholimeaux

Camilla said...

haHA! Some of those were not only funny, but very endearing. Loved it!